If I were to take inventory of the majority of the relationships that I have had since becoming a Christian around the age of eighteen until now, I would have to say that the vast majority of them have failed miserably. This is a very frank, but honest assessment.
If you have been involved with relationships that have failed, you may have tried to assess what went wrong, or who’s to blame for the relationship failure. The goal with this article, however, is not to identify who’s to blame for the relationships in my life that have went sour, rather it is to look at the bigger picture. In this article, I’d like to look at the foundational causes for my relationship failures or successes. Since there is no greater teacher than personal experience, I’d like to discuss the different types of relationships that I have had in the past, and talk about what occurred with these relationships.
1. ‘Missional’ / ‘Cause’ Oriented Relationships
A few years into my Christian journey, I sensed that there had to be more to this journey than I had yet experienced. Like most Christians, I had incorrectly bought into the philosophy that the ‘Christian life’ was centered around ‘doing’ great things for God. As a result, the next several years of my life were consumed with my involvement in various ‘missions’ and projects to reach certain geographic areas for the Lord and accomplish great things.
As you may expect, this had a dramatic impact on my relationships as most of my relationships were centered around whatever ‘mission’ I was working on at the time. As you might expect, I naturally became close to those who were working on the same ‘missional’ project that I was a part of, or was spearheading at the time. Although I didn’t know this then, I was hungry for more than a ‘mission’ to ‘do’. Because my heart was longing for more than a temporary ‘mission’ to accomplish, I inevitably became disillusioned with that temporary mission over the course of time. Unfortunately, this disillusionment usually led me to finding a new mission of ‘doing’.
Although this was not my intention, all the relationships that had been built upon a particular ‘mission’ eventually ended after I left that particular ‘mission’ for a new project. At the time, it was hard for me to understand why these once seemingly dynamic relationships ended, but it now makes complete sense. The specific ’cause’ or ‘mission’ that we were working on served as the foundation for our relationship. When the ‘mission’ changed, there was no more foundation for the relationship to continue. I learned that relationships that are built on temporary ’causes’ or ‘missions’ will always be temporary. They will not last.
2. Community Based / Co-dependent Relationships
Another category of relationships that I have had are relationships that are built on location and the idea of community. The faulty foundation of these relationships can be much harder to see because they seem legitimate at the time. Let me explain.
Have you ever had relationships that are built around the ‘idea’ that you could have deep community with them? I have, and the rationalization for these relationships sound something like this:
Cindy & Jack seem like a very nice couple. Can you believe that they only live ten minutes from us (my wife & I), are a part of the same church group we are a part of, and we don’t even know them? let’s get to know them better.
If Cindy & Jack are equally hungry for community, the relationship will seem to take off rapidly and will appear to be strong and close. Many times, however, it is a facade. I have experienced this several times in the past. Unfortunately, the relationship is usually built upon the desire for deep community, and nothing more. While experiencing deep community with other people is a legitamate need, it is not a legitimate or eternal foundation for relationship. These kinds of relationships are often co-dependent.
Co-dependency and love are quite different. In a co-dependent relationship, both parties are unintentionally in the relationship with the other to have a perceived need met. While these kinds of relationships can be obsessive, elicit strong emotions, and are often confused as being built upon love, the relationship is really based on need, not fullness of life. When a relationship is based on love, however, the goal is to give life away and serve the other.
When the foundation of a relationship is built upon a desire for community, whenever the ‘illusion’ of that community is disrupted the relationship can become distant, non-existent, or even down right hostile. It is a strange thing indeed. Relationships that I have had that were once very close became distant, or even hostile, once we moved to a new location or adopted a new ‘mission’. This used to greatly perplex me, but it now makes perfect sense. Because the idea of ‘community’ was the foundation that the relationship was built upon, as soon as that changed, there was no more foundation for the relationship to stand upon. I have learned that relationships that are built upon the desire or need to find ‘community’ will be temporary. They will not last.
3. Relationships That Are Built Upon The Person & Revelation Of Jesus Christ
When I look back at all the relationships that I have had, only one kind of relationship has stood the test of time, distance, and conflict. While the majority of my relationships have ended, there are a few that have remained. These relationships have endured over the course of time, distance, and even much disagreement and conflict. I have often asked myself why.
Why did distance, time, and even conflict not end these relationships?
I have discovered that I have had a very different kind of relationship with those whose hearts have had a profound revelation of Jesus Christ (Both His Head & His Body, Eph. 1:18-23). Over the course of my life, the Lord has opened my eyes to the mystery of Jesus Christ in stages. It certainly has not been an overnight process to say the least. It is interesting to note that those whom I have discovered Jesus Christ with are the very relationships that have lasted.
These relationships have not been based on our allegiance to a local institution or geographic area, a particular ’cause’ or ‘mission’, or even our desire to belong to ‘community’. When I communicate with these people, the subject always centers around the person of Jesus Christ. It is effortless. We end up sharing our discoveries of Him with one another, and in the process of sharing Him with one another, we seem to discover more of Him as well! It truly is astounding.
I have also found that the relationships that are built upon the Person of Christ are the very relationships that I experience the most community with. We seem to have the same ‘mission’. The mission, however, is not ‘doing’, but ‘knowing’ and ‘expressing’ the person of Jesus Christ. I have discovered that it is through knowing and expressing the person of Jesus Christ that our desire for ‘community’ and ‘mission’ are truly satisfied.
Had I known this years ago, a lot of heartache could have been avoided. May the Lord shift the foundation of all our relationship to Christ alone. It is only in Him that our relationships move from the temporary to the eternal.
Angie (2)
Caridad (2)
erin (2)
Hannah S (2)
Heather (2)
John S Wilson III (2)
Mark Burnett (2)
Seth (2)
Ari-Amber (1)
Big Mike (1)
This is awesome! It’s funny becuase I was just thinking about my past relationships, friendship included, and I couldn’ really pin point why my seemingly ‘christian’ relationships failed the way they did. This is just what I needed!!
Thank you for your wisdom and experience and thank you for looking for Christ, you are an example to those around you!
PS you should come back to G-ville FL to visit.
Mary,
I agree. Jamal should come back to G-ville
Mary,
Thx for reading and commenting. I’m encouraged to know this article was helpful to you.
Also, I’m looking forward to visiting you all before too long. Blessings to you sister:)
Great message here, Brother!!! Sure sheds light on some things that are a part of our journey, especially as we move away from the IC and all of its’ trappings.
__jayne
Jayne,
Great to hear from you. Yes, this message is key as we continue on this journey out of the world’s system and into life in Christ. Christ is the filter for every relationship that we have. Blessings to you Jayne:)
You hit the nail on the head. Our relationships, ministry, mission etc…all stem from self in the end. The only pure part of all those things are Jesus.
God has been knocking at my heart about the selfish Importance I have been putting on relationships and tbis confirms some thoughts Ive been having lately.
Christians typically have big issues with this. A few observations—–Only real covenant-based relationships with other close Christians (like your spouse or other like-minded believers) will last. But, we can be involved in limited relationships (like business partners) or issue relationships (pro-life, pro-family, limited government) with people who do not share our faith. Again, Christians believe in absolute truth and have a hard time with pragmatism and realistic, lawful compromise to achieve common goals.
Thx for reading Brianna:)
Why does it seem like I could have written the things you put on here?!?! Another good springboard for discussion and encouragement, Jamal
. Thanks!
So very true! I cherish those relationships in Christ. They are for a life. We tend to say, “Through the good, the bad and the UGLY!”
Wonderful observations, Jamal! Although what I’m going to add probably would fall in your #1 category, I would guess that one of the most common kind of ‘relationships’ that believers have experienced would be in a attending a group where folks all adhered to the same doctrinal tradition. The glue that held the fellowship together was a common doctrinal creed or experience. Such glue will last for varying periods of time, but ultimately is in fact just another formula for disintegrating relationships. Only relationships rooted in the person of Christ — Jesus plus nothing — will endure!
Jon,
Thanks for jumping into the conversation. As always, it’s an honor to have you here. You are right on the money! Having a common doctrinal creed or experience is no substitute for the person of Jesus Christ. Thanks for clarifying this important point. Blessings:)
Amen Brother! This was definitely great insight. Relationships cannot be broken if they are connected and founded by Love–and who is true love? None other than the Son of God! That desire for community can only be satisfied by the love that he pours into us so that we may share that commUNION together. Those relationships were stripped so that only he would be revealed!! Thank you for sharing!!
PS: I second Mary’s suggestion!
Jamal,
A-freakin-men!
It’s funny how we try to build relationships with our flesh. We look for relationships that meet our “needs” or “preferences”. In fact, many churches are built upon this idea. Hence why we have “surfer’s church”, “Cowboy church”, etc. We forget to realize that, as with all things that God has created, relationships are to grow, not be built.
I’ve even known those who wish to discover Christ in organic church that still base all relationships with whether or not a person is in the OC or the IC. This is sad, but I’ve been guilty of it myself.
However, over a period of time getting to know my Lord, I have come to realize that all that are in Christ are my brothers and sisters. It matters not their particular revelation of Him, or church practice. All that matters is that they, just like me, have been forgiven and washed in the blood of Christ. I’m not more important or special. We are ALL in Christ.
Thanks for the post, brother. Good one.
-Mike
“However, over a period of time getting to know my Lord, I have come to realize that all that are in Christ are my brothers and sisters. It matters not their particular revelation of Him, or church practice. All that matters is that they, just like me, have been forgiven and washed in the blood of Christ. I’m not more important or special. We are ALL in Christ.”
Well said Michael.
Great point brother! Thx for your comment:)
Thank you for sharing this with me on twitter. Your reflection has blessed me greatly because I have endured much heart ache the past five years relationship wise and been wondering why. Almost none of it was hostile, just a slowly growing apart. I’ve been asking the Lord and am thankful He answered me today through you.
I would add family to the second category. Much of our decision to be close to our extended family is proximity and a desire for community.
Thanks for posting this!
On point!! I was reading this from a “dating” relationship kind of perspective. Missional dating (in a relationship to save the other) doesn’t work, and dating because you have an unfulfilled desire doesn’t work out. One way: Jesus.
This is a vitally important point! Thx for reading and commenting here Scott. Blessings to you:)
Sooooooo true! Thanks for this article brother.
Thanks you for reading this article sister. Happy thanksgiving to you:)
Well, I’ll be darned if you are not sounding like Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Jamal!
Brother, that’s quite a compliment! Thanks for reading:)
I’m in complete agreement with you and can relate to most of your relationship experiences.
Relationships that are built on finite things are dependent on temporal objects, situations or interests and will always have an exhaustion point. On the other hand, relationships that are built on our infinite Jesus Christ are dependent on his eternal, unchanging and unending life and we can know no end to his glory.
My counselor shared once with me that the quality of your horizontal relationships with others will be determined by the vertical relationship you have with Jesus. If you want healthier relationships it means you have to be completely dependent on your vertical relationship with God, not the other way around where you’re working and striving and trying to figure out what’s going on with the other person. If you’re rooted in the Father’s love for us, you will be able to accept that everyone belongs to God and people are just vessels he uses to manifest different aspects of His love for you. You can accept their coming and going without taking offense because they were not designed to be a permanent fixture for you alone or a replacement for the love of God in your life.
People change, topics get exhausted, and earthly wells run dry – but Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever and I don’t think you can ever get tired of talking about how amazing He is. All of the promises of God find their “YES” in Him.
Further up and further in.
Good post and I too had to discover the very same reality in my life. When I made the focus anything other than Jesus Himself, the relationships would always fail.
Very true indeed, once again great post
Wayne Jacobsen wrote a great book called AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP the lost art of “one anothering” check it out he speakes on the same stuff.
I’m with Mary; I too have been thinking about why so many relationships have failed. Your “written word” ; ) is very, very timely and “spot on”. Thanks for sharing. I can appreciate how much time it takes to gather your thoughts and put them down for others to read.
Thx for reading this article. I am glad to know this was a timely message for you. Blessings:)
The one commenter further up talked about how only covenantal relationships remain – I think one has to be careful of that too. It has become very in vogue lately this teaching that believers need to make relationship covenants with one another (I’m not talking about marriage) and this usually has to do with joining a particular church or group of people. These tend to be some of the most destructive and unhealthy relationships out there.
If we are building on Christ, then the New Covenant itself I believe is all we need to hold us together because we’ll never be able to come up with a more superior covenant than that. Adding extra covenants to strengthen relationships only makes it weird and dysfunctional and supplants the role of the New Covenant (once again, marriage being an exception for a variety of reasons – namely, that marriage is an “exclusive” relationship but our relationships with other brothers and sisters are not meant to be made “exclusive” so no additional covenant is necessary.)
Btw, I like what the brother above posted about this pertaining to dating relationships. I read this article with that in mind too and definitely see a serious application of that. I felt Jamal like this article was the Word of the Lord to me when I read it yesterday about the problems I have been having in the courtship I am in. My BF and I read it together and realized that while we are both believers, that something is going terribly wrong in our ability to plumb the depths of Christ together, and I find myself connecting with other believers better on that level. We’re in prayer right now about whether or not this can be remedied or if it’s just a sign that we’re in the wrong relationship. It’s really heartwrenching.
Heather,
Thx for your comments here about ‘covenants’ in regards to relationships with other believers. I also appreciate you sharing your heart as well. Blessings to you sister.
Very true! What a great way to look at relationships and remember that Christ should be our focus in every aspect of life!
wow, pretty thorough analysis brother,
. I never really look at relationships as either failed or succeed, just never thought of it that way before. I see them as either committed or not committed. Being a steady personality I’m pretty committed to relationships and try to stick to it through and through, at least as far as on my part is concerned, guessing something the Spirit has given me. It is disappointing when others are not, but I understand we are all made differently. Still learning the communication part though, not one of my best talents. The importance of living by the Spirit. I continue to trust the Lord, hear Him and follow Him, loving others.
Love is all we need… well jesus christ is the embodiment of love so as in christ all things hold together, so love holds all good relationships together as i see it.
I think this explains why some of my best relationships are with people that don’t even believe in christ. Why because love is what holds us together. And for myself I know its christ back of it whether the other believes or not.
The real beauty of christ in the midst of relationships often happens when people come together and stay connected who would normally not. That is really transcendent when we realize if not for an ongoing leaning into christ, of ‘ourselves’ it would all fall apart. Relationship with ‘sinners’, enemies and even christians from different backgrounds is often where christ shines.
Great blog article thanks!
Eli,
This is a very important point that you have made. Thx so much for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Truly, and that it also happens that one loves so much but the other plays around his/her feelings.
Thanks for this post! Well written and I third everyone in the Gville group that you guys should come visit again!
Thx Megan. I’d love to come visit sometime in the near future. Blessings to you sister:)
In conversations that I have had with a few people about this article, a really good question was asked that I would like to address here. The question that was asked was this:
“What should a person do when they realize that a relationship they have has been built on reason #1, or reason #2?”
I have a couple of thoughts about this. First, recognizing that the relationship has not been built around Jesus Christ is key. While recognizing this is key, however, we have to be careful that the focus of the relationship does not then center around ‘how to’ shift the foundation of the relationship to Jesus Christ. That in itself can become a false foundation for a relationship.
Secondly, the best way that the foundation of a relationship can be built around the person of Christ is by personally focusing on Christ and beholding Him in spirit. The more that we personally behold Christ in our hearts and minds, the more that Christ will become the focus of our conversations with others we are in relationship with. When we are truly beholding Him, He becomes our ‘obsession’. This Christ ‘obsession’ that we will continually talk about will naturally build us in deep relationship with some, but it will also push others away. We won’t even have to try. Intentionally expressing Christ verbally to one another on a regular basis is key to being built with others around Christ.
I hope that helps:)
Love it. Thanks Jamal.
It fleshes out various reasons that Bonhoeffer and others have only eluded to. Christian community is only ever in Christ.
Thx for reading and for your words of encouragement Dave. Blessings to you:)
This is great, Jamal. Loving people creates relationships that last, not having an agenda, even a seemingly well-intentioned one. Otherwise, it is simply a business transaction. When business is done, so is the relationship.
Great stuff Jamal, as usual.
This reminds me of Colossians 1:17b – “in Him [Christ] all things consist”. Consist means “to be placed together, banded together, held together, etc”.
Christ is the glue that holds “fruitful” relationships together. I just add the qualifier “fruitful” bcs lots of relationships can last for a long time, for various reasons; but the big question to me isn’t about longevity but fruitfulness. There can also be fruitful relationships that are short-term, bcs that was the Lord’s design; i.e. they were “for a season”.
To add some more practicality around the idea of fruitfulness – Christ IS the Tree of Life and all kingdom-fruit falls from Him-as-the-tree. And so when we give each other real fruit, then we are giving each other Christ. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc. Whether we actually, openly “declare or proclaim” Jesus’ name isn’t critical for real fruit to be going forth. Real kingdom-fruit has reproductive seeds in it, and when they go into “good soil” then they will bear more fruit. Seedtime and harvest is the way of His kingdom.
Don’t get me wrong; I love to speak openly of my Lord’s beautiful name. I’m just saying that He IS manifested when our hearts are calibrated “from Him and unto Him” in what we do and say; as we love, live, give kindness and patience, etc. This is one way that we release His life and blessing on everyone that we come in contact with 24/7, without “feeling the pressure” to consciously (religiously) inject His name into every conversation.
I guess another way to say this is that we are living epistles, and when I am living “from and unto Him” and I’m giving someone love/patience/kindness/joy/etc, then I am declaring and manifesting Christ with my life. He IS going forth. I’ve found that many people, believers and unbelievers, enjoy a relationship with someone who’s manifesting Christ’s fruit; whether they realize it’s Him or not. The revelation that it was Him that they were enjoying may come down the road at some point…at harvest-time.
Of course, amongst deeper believers, we will be openly and boldly declaring His name to each other, rejoicing, fellowshipping, and worshiping all along the way.
But this idea of fruit is helpful to me, bcs it enables me to do my part to “be at peace with all men, as much as it depends on me” and creates the potential for long-term and fruitful relationships with people who may not be that far along in their spiritual growth and development. Sort of a Special Ops approach to evangelism and discipleship, I suppose.
Trevor,
Hey bro, thx for sharing this. I’m thankful that the Lord has caused our paths to cross. You truly are a living epistle! I always appreciate your insight:) I’m looking forward to seeing you soon. Blessings:)
Good post, bro! Some very helpful insight.
Thx for reading Josh, I’m glad that you found this article to be helpful:)
Excellent blog, Jamal. I like your structure and reasoning. I guess that all of these categories of relationship are easier to assess in hindsight, but I think that the awareness that your definitions of missional and community based relationship can help to defuse unrealistic expectations. It has long been astounding to me that its possible to be completely integrated in a church community having many ‘friends’ but then change church and leave (maybe) all those relationships behind. You may be interested in the experience of my own Christian community at http://www.brookwoodcommunitychurch.org.uk.
Martin,
Thx for reading and offering your comment here. I agree, when I was still in the institutional religious system, I would be amazed at how my decision to stop attending a 1.5 hour weekly meeting meant the ending of what I thought were close relationships with those who claimed to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. I could never figure out why that was the case until I realized the difference between relationships built around a commitment to a local institution, or Jesus Christ.
I enjoyed reading this article. I , too , have pondered the same questions regarding relationships: my question would be ..” How does one get to the genuine authentic relationships described in 3, if you do not explore the people belonging to the other examples?
Sandi,
Thx so much for reading and commenting here. You have asked a great question. Several others have asked the same thing as well. I posted a comment above that addressed this. Here is what I said:
“In conversations that I have had with a few people about this article, a really good question was asked that I would like to address here. The question that was asked was this:
“What should a person do when they realize that a relationship they have has been built on reason #1, or reason #2?”
I have a couple of thoughts about this. First, recognizing that the relationship has not been built around Jesus Christ is key. While recognizing this is important, however, we have to be careful that the focus of the relationship does not then center around ‘how to’ shift the foundation of the relationship to Jesus Christ. That in itself can become a false foundation for a relationship.
Secondly, the best way that the foundation of a relationship can be built around the person of Christ is by personally focusing on Christ and beholding Him in spirit. The more that we personally behold Christ in our hearts and minds, the more that Christ will become the focus of our conversations with others we are in relationship with. When we are truly beholding Him, He becomes our ‘obsession’. This Christ ‘obsession’ that we will continually talk about will naturally build us in deep relationship with some, but it will also push others away. We won’t even have to try. Intentionally expressing Christ verbally to one another on a regular basis is key to being built together with others around Christ.”