My favorite aspect of blogging is the interaction that I get to have with readers. Someone recently asked me how I can find the time to respond to comments left on the blog, or personal emails that I receive. The real question is this… how could I not have the time to respond?
The truth is, I highly value each person who decides to leave a comment or send me a private message. The fact that a person would take the time out of their day to read what I have written & respond in some fashion always humbles me. Even if I’m not always able to respond, I am grateful for each person behind each comment. This is also true regarding the readers who are angry with me, or who disagree with me.
Some people keep their valuables in a safe. My ‘safe’ is my email inbox. Some of my most treasured possessions are emails, and other private messages, sent to me by readers & friends. Whenever a person decides to open up and share some of their heart or story with me, I treasure that.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a difficult blog that I was dreading to post. Nevertheless, I was compelled to write it. If you have not yet read that post, please read it before you continue reading the rest of this article. Here is the link:
For God’s Sake, & Your Own Health, Stop Sleeping With Her! (a 2013 New Year Resolution)
Some of the responses that I received from that blog were quite incredible. I received an email response from a reader that blessed me immensely. This person wished to remain anonymous, yet gave me permission to share some of their story with you here today. It is a beautiful story of healing and rescue. Please take a couple of minutes and read this powerful testimony:
“…my mother began taking me to church at about a year old. When I was about 11 years old, I began to see things that really bothered me. The first thing that I remember, is being at my cousin’s home, and seeing someone walking up to the door. I asked my cousin who it was, and she shared with me that her pastors were coming over for lunch. I stared at her in shock, and exclaimed, “They are allowed to do that?!!” I had never heard of such a thing. It made me wonder why I knew nothing about my pastor. Then only weeks later, I was leaving our church and our pastor was standing by the door shaking people’s hands as they were leaving. He shook my hand and I was totally stunned. I walked out of that building feeling as though I had just touched a celebrity.
The strange thing about that feeling, was that all day long that didn’t sit well with me. Questions rose up in me. Why don’t I know my pastor? Does he know my mother? Why, after this many years of going to his church, do I feel like my pastor is to be treated like a celebrity? Why do people think he is so much holier than the rest of us?
Crazy enough, I continued going to this same church and growing more and more uncomfortable. Years went by and questions kept rising. I began to feel like there was something wrong with me, like I was a heathen or didn’t actually love God. And I thought God had to be mad at me for having these thoughts and feelings. I thought things like, “If we are truly worshiping God… Why do they have to practice worship before we worship?” and “If these people all love each other, why do only the same people sit in the same places and never talk to anyone around them?” and, “Do I really have to go to this place? I just don’t like it here.” I felt such turmoil within me, questioning my love for others and my love for God. And oh, the guilt! This led to some very rough teen years, details you’d probably rather not have to read.
I went to that church even after I got married, at the ripe old age of 18. My husband was a worship leader. He went to worship practice, and all the while I secretly thought it was all really stupid. After having a child, I began feeling very protective of my daughter when I would hear the worship music over the loud speakers. The music just felt so blasphemous. There were even times that I took my daughter out of the room because I didn’t want her to hear the words. But Still, I continued to check myself. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so judgmental and hateful? Can’t I just be ok with all of this and move forward?
Fast Forward a few years, and two more children. My husband began feeling similar things that I did regarding the church. And I felt more guilt. “Oh no, I’m rubbing off on him. I’m turning this wonderful innocent man into a sinner and a heathen like me. I’m no good for him.” More guilt and shame.
After about a year of my husband’s questioning and struggle with the church, we finally left. More guilt, for sure. And the pain increased.
For the first year being out of the church we just sort of sat back in wonder. What next God? What’s going on? Do you have an answer for all of this, because we certainly have no peace going back to that place.”
But this is where it got weirder. I was always in good health as a young woman…
Jamal, you said that some people can become physically ill being stuck in these institutions/churches. But my experience was different. I honestly believe that I just royally ticked Satan off. I believe he didn’t want me to learn and just wanted to wipe me out. As my husband and I started opening (organic church) books, things started to happen. Bad things.
I had a horrific miscarriage of our 4th child at about 20 weeks along. I was hospitalized and then hemorrhaged for 2 months following. I felt like I was dying. My hormones were not the same after that, and health issue after health issue kept coming up. I had a near-death experience that was only saved by us being in the right place at the right time, a total God thing I’m sure. Things did not look good for me, and my marriage and children suffered for it.
I was so full of fear and anxiety and my problems just kept increasing. I went to a few doctors and later a holistic doctor who actually did help me some. However, there were also things that couldn’t be explained. Tests and scans came back normal but things worsened. I kept questioning and feeling guilty, like “Oh no, I’m being punished because I don’t go to church!”
My husband and I have been 4 years out of the church now. This last year was phenomenal in areas of growth and learning. My husband went to an organic church meeting and finally things started to come together. We were told that if we wanted to be involved in something like an organic church we would need to move. Miraculously in the last year 4 families within 5-8 miles of each other are now all gathering and growing in community, and it’s beautiful. But the cool and amazing thing is this, last year my health has begun to improve in ways that just weren’t happening before. We have pursued God in ways we just never did before, and WOW, I finally KNOW that I love him! And He loves me! I am no longer afraid of making God angry, or not being good enough for him. Years and years of those fears, finally lifted!
This year has felt like a year of ‘coming back from the dead.’ I still deal with some health related issues, but at every turn God has shown me what to do. And it’s just me and Him. I am at peace, and have put my health completely in His hands. No longer by the help of doctors, but by His help and guidance alone. He has provided for me in every instance and as the months go by, I continue to improve. I am able to work out again, with only some minor dizziness. I have not worked out or been able to run in more than 3 years. I feel so blessed!
I am so amazed, and yet sometimes still confused when I look back at these past several years. All I feel that I can gather from this, is that when I was stuck in the church, satan was content. But when I, the girl who questioned everything while she was practically still a baby, stepped out boldly and said “Enough”, Satan got angry. He knows I’m up to something and he doesn’t like it.
Perhaps that is not the reason at all, like I say, I can’t know everything or why all this has happened. But it amazes me that, I now am beginning to know the True Christ, and in knowing Him, I am gaining more peace and security in him and my health is improving. I have no doubt that with God’s help, I will be freed of all these issues and will live in Joy and Peace with my family for many years to come.
Some people feel free the moment they step out of the church (institution). For me, things got worse before they got better. But oh, how much I have learned!! God is so Good!” -anonymous reader-
In the months and years ahead, I’m confident these kinds of testimonies will increase more and more.
The future is truly bright,
Jamal Jivanjee
I read things like this and I wonder, “What’s wrong with ME?” I don’t hate worship music, or think it’s stupid. I mean, sure, some worship leaders make it all hype and hyper and play super loud on their instruments, and then I hate it… but people who seem to embrace worship as a means to really spending time with God corporately, and do so tastefully – honestly, I love that and long for it. So what’s wrong with me?
Erica,
Thanks for reading and for your comment. This reader was simply sharing her personal reaction to what she experienced in the religious system. As you have said, not everyone reacts the same way. Like you, I did not hate ‘worship’ music as well. I still don’t. For me personally, other things negatively affected me about the religious system. This was simply her experience. I think the Lord used her discontent to open her eyes to a greater problem that He wanted her to be aware of.
Dear Anonymous Sister,
What a beautiful thing when we allow God to do the building. That HE, in HIS TIMING, will build us together in HIM as a Body. As HE has so gracefully done with you all there…..I am rejoicing for you!
We all have much unlearning, detoxing from religion and reprogramming by His Spirit which happens over time (and I don’t know about you but I am naturally wanting it all to be perfect right now!) This waiting on the Lord is excruciating and yet, probably the most sweet growing and richest time in Him ever. We have been out of the religious system for 17 years, tried this, tried that, been in group A group B, moved our business and locale hundreds of miles to be a part for awhile, even joined a mega-building for a time! But now, we here in Western NC are waiting on the Lord. Praying! I know for sure that Jamal’s dream of a spiritual kingdom here on earth for each of us in a real Christ-centered Spiritual FAMILY is a real possibility. But God has to be the one to connect the dots
Such a beautiful story of God opening the eyes of our heart to His love and healing!! Thank you for sharing this with us, Jamal. I think God gives each of us “different eyes” so to speak to see different things spiritually. This person saw the religious system so clearly in the areas of pastor worship and musical worship. That is a gift of truth. I wonder if this is another example of seeing Christ in each other. The truth that He gives someone else is truth that I need to hear, and the truth He gives to me is what others in the Body need to hear. Kind of like putting a big puzzle together and we each have a piece to contribute that is needed to make the picture complete.
My pleasure Faith, thx for your insight as well:)
I have a similar question as Erica, what’s wrong here? We have been out of the building for three years and not a breath of anything “organic” near us. I have networked and talked with everyone I know of and still nothing. No one we know in this town is of like mind with us. So to start our own would be quite difficult. I feel like I’m dying on the vine, I need face to face fellowship. Am seriously thinking of giving up on this. We can’t move to where there is an ekklesia, we are tied to a house we can’t sell. What is wrong that you have to move across the country to find this?? To the Blessed ones that it “just happens” for, that’s great, but I hear far more of people who have been alone for long years with nothing. We need other people in our lives who understand where we are and are there with us, we are not made to go it alone. FB groups are great but no substitute.
Pam, I just wanted to take a moment to say, that I have been where you are and felt those same feelings. When you have such a longing for it, it almost makes it all the more painful. Even though it’s discouraging to you that you have been waiting for years, I would encourage you to not give up hope. I know of very few people that didn’t also wait years. I waited years as well. God knows what it is that you long for, he has not forgotten you. And His timing is always the best timing. Rest and wait on Him
Pam,
Sister, thanks for your honesty and candor in sharing. I also understand what you are experiencing. A couple of things come to mind:
1. A meal tastes best when you are the most hungry, and love is best enjoyed when you are the most lovesick.
2. Hebrews 11: 8-10, 13-16
Thank you Katie and Jamal for your encouragement. It is appreciated!
Dear Pam – I hear your heart because my heart cry was the same and kind of still is but it’s changing. I’m in a similar place as you – “alone” on this journey outside the institution. We tried to gather for a while with some we thought were ‘like minded individuals’ but it didn’t work and it was painful. Although I could give many reasons for why it didn’t work I realize today clearly that I was not ready for this kind of fellowship even though I thought I was. I actually believe I was hazardous to the body without knowing it. The Lord still had so much to do in me and teach me and the process is ongoing… It’s been 4 years for us but really it’s been a life time of yearning for His true bride and His expression through her… Last January I wrote the following words in my journal and blog:
“Have you ever wanted something so badly it hurt – pain that is almost unbearable – almost to the point where you think it would be better to die than to live without the realization of that dream…?
I’ve been challenged by one I consider wise to acknowledge that God is dreaming a bigger dream than I could ever dream…
Now that I have worked so hard and done as much as I possibly thought I could – now that I have tried and strived and given and pleaded and bargained and hoped, I’ve now finally come to a place of surrender. Now that I have done all that I can do and there’s nothing left for me to do, I give it up. I give it up to God and finally let Him do what He does best…”
This was a year ago -before then I though I knew exactly what I wanted – what I was looking for and what I believed the Lord wanted. I would read about other groups – heard about Jamal’s group and wanted “THAT” and was even so jealous that I didn’t get to be part of “THAT” and so was blind to what He has for me because I was fixated on what I thought He wanted for me. So today I’m continuing on this journey of surrender – trusting that He knows what is best for me and daily I say: “Lord I’m here – transform me – mold me – lead me – I trust you – I’m yours…”
“I’ve been challenged by one I consider wise to acknowledge that God is dreaming a bigger dream than I could ever dream…”
Wow! I am tracking with all of you who hunger (almost desperately) for that ekklesia, having been out of the institution for 3 years now. But Gioia, the above statement stops me in my tracks! How true! I don’t even really know what it is I’m expecting, but it’s less than what God has for me. So, thank you! I think I’ll go back to just resting in Him and trusting Him again.
I think that there is this perfect place called ‘there’ that we all sit back and picture in our minds… But I think we as humans tend to forget, that the journey getting there, is just as important as the place We wish to arrive. We can’t walk if we don’t have strong feet to stand on. God’s timing is always perfect!
Katie,
Wow, that’s powerful. I think I’m going to have to quote you:)
“The journey getting there is just as important as the place we wish to arrive.” -Katie-
Thanks for this comment.
Gioia,
Wow sister! What you have shared is dripping with the wisdom of Jesus Christ. Thanks for sharing this. What you shared is vital for so many in the preperation process for community life.
Wow, what an encouraging testimony of a faith journey. I am convinced God hears the cries of His people. I was on that road for over 23 years (paid pastor for 15). To the above response on enjoying “worship” music, I think it helps sometimes to clearly define things. I personally enjoy Christian concerts and find when I am there, I can praise God. However, after 23 years of rehearsing programmed “worship” music, in an attempt to place people in emotional/spiritual condition to “worship” God, I can now see the difference between the two. One is pure, from the heart and the other is a religious attempt by man to manipulate an emotional/spiritual response. To me it’s the difference between eating an orange for vitaman C and taking a synthetic version from a lab. One man makes, the other God provides organically. I’m sure synthetic vitaman’s have some value, but I want God’s best and original intention for me. Here’s to not settling for anything less. Also, to those who want more and can’t find it around them, I encourage you to live it out with whoever you have in faith and God will provide for you!